Humility, Failure, and the Bright Side

Sunday, April 27th, 2008... or last night. It's gonna be a cornerstone in my life for a while. One of my most personally recognized failures was last night. I was given the opportunity to lead worship with a friend at my youth group... the Sr. High portion, which is high school kids and up. My only being in grade 10, I was honoured and excited beyond belief. And I even decided to do a new song that had been on my heart for a long time, along with a few other new songs (and no this is not me being prideful or boastful). I really felt on fire for God and ready to lead in worship that night, and just from the beginning of the night, my friend CP had really been building up this evening and inviting God's presence into the night. Anyways, you get what I'm saying. I was anticipating alot.

So the night starts, the new song practically went perfect, as well as all of the other songs. I guess our pastor even wanted me to take the set a bit longer, but I missed the signal. And after the sermon, we came up and played the slow set, and after the slow songs, he came up, talked a bit more, and got us to play the new song again because I guess it really fit in with what he was saying. So, the night went quite well.

When I was talking to our pastor a long time ago about the possibility of leading worship, from day one it was stressed heavily that pride is always a great issue. I understood perfectly, and I try not to think of myself as good at anything, honestly. So, I just figured it would be an issue that I would never have a problem with. Boy, was I wrong.

That night afterwards, people were telling me,"Good job," and I was taking it well, giving the glory to Jesus, not myself, as it should've been done. And you're probably thinking that I went out later that night and talked myself up alot or whatever, but I didn't. It was simply the way that later that night, when everyone went to McDonalds, I felt bigger than all of them. Like I was better. Like I was too big to be at McDonalds with all of my friends! Even with Casper, who was also there! As dumb as it sounds, I felt like I should've been out cruisin' and partyin' with a bunch of important people with a girl under my arm, you know? You ever had that feeling?

(Continuing on April 30th, 2008, or today) I feel so stupid even talking about it, but it was the worse way to end my first night of Sr. High worship. I was given an amazing opportunity, and even though on the outside it was a success, in my heart I felt that I had failed immensely. I don't have a reason why, but lately I have been feeling that I'm a failure at everything. I'm a failure in my relationships with people, I'm a constant failure when it comes to trying to lose weight, I'm a failure with Casper (no, don't worry. Things haven't taken a turn for the worst), I'm a failure with my worship, I'm a failure with my own personal music (seriously, I have to try so hard to even write an intro or something lately, never mind lyrics... that's a whole other realm which I have not even tapped into), I'm a failure in my financial/employment situation, and the list goes on. I don't know if maybe I'm just in a downtime or something, but I feel good for nothing.

I thought I had it all figured. "Staying humble to lead worship? No problem!" But I had to go and screw that up, too. Jeez. I hope I can get sick soon so that I can just stay home all day and think.... or write music. Something that involves being alone, not having to do something every day of the week, and some good old, beautiful quiet (unless it's my own music shattering such placidity).

On a lighter note, Casper's birthday is in 4 days (depending on how you count) and I'm buying her a season of Walker Texas Ranger (which I'm confident she loves!), along with a cheesy little poem I have yet to write up. She's going away to Muskoka for a week or so.... I'm gonna miss her like crazy! Then I think she's going somewhere else right after she gets back, which would suck because I'm barely gonna see her for like half of May. But as long as she's happy and having fun, that's fine with me. She's indescribable, unfathomable, beautiful (p.s. she died her hair, and its totally hawttt... not to say that she wasnt insanely beautiful before, but....), funny, and she lights up my every day, no word of a lie. (8) I'll miss you, baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing (8)

Anyways, I'm out.
TSharr
God Bless