Greetings + Casper

So, I finally decided to make one of these. There has been too many times when there's something that I just need to ramble about, but I either don't have anyone willing to listen to me, or I don't feel like writing ten pages. And I'm actually really excited about making this because it's been proven that writing down your feelings and thoughts and stuff helps you sort it all out, plus maybe I'll gain some knowledge about myself when I look back on all the stuff I wrote.

Anyways, my first post is going to be mainly refering to..... yes, a girl, actually one who I am currently speaking with. You might notice that this is going to be a popular topic with me, seeing as how my life isn't screwed up, and I'm not a deep, life-pondering person... not all the time, anyways. When a girl, especially one I like alot, bothers me, it's a big thing. For privacy purposes, let's just refer to this girl as... Casper... don't ask me why. And who knows? Maybe you've a got a Casper in your life, too.

So, simply put, there's this girl, Casper. I've liked her for years now, and as the years went on, my feelings only grew progressively stronger. They've not wavered nor retreated in any way, shape or form. Recently, not long before Valentines Day, I found out from her directly (even though I'd had many other sources tell me that she did) that she liked me back, and for a long time as well. Cool, right? So I bought her a gift for Valentines Day, everything was cool, and, technically I could say things still are cool. Except, now, I've started to feel like she has a problem acknowledging her feelings for me anywhere where there's another person around. Sometimes I can barely get more than a quick glance, which is extremely frustrating.

Recently, she's started this thing where she calls me "bud" or "buddy." Now, I don't know about other people, but when I say buddy, I'm normally refering to a smaller child, or even an animal or something. Bottom line is, when someone calls me "buddy," it makes me feel belittled. When the girl I've liked for years calls me that, it makes me feel frustrated and basically, it only further drives me to the conclusion that she doesnt like me very much, if at all. This girl is a challenge... and I'm up for the challenge. Honestly, I prefer having to actually work, think, feel, and fight for this girl. She's not like those girls who just like you and make-out with you the first chance they get. I rarely even get hugs, and she only holds my hand in the dark when not many people can see (normally during movies), but then again that doesnt even happen very often any more. I send her a text or two like everyday, or every other day, just inquiring about how school went, or something like that, and she will reply. But I think she's only texted me once (that I can remember) to see whats up or whatever. Am I missing something here? Is it some crazy thing that I didn't hear about where the girls aren't supposed to text the guys?

I fear I have these unhealthy feelings deep inside of me (and I don't think I'm the only one) to make her desire me the way I do her (which is not sexually, but very purely). There's days where I want to make her jealous so that she will want me, or days where I want to go away for a while so that she'll miss me. Stupid stuff like that. But I'm really starting to think she doesn't care. Her close friends reassuring me that she still likes me is no longer a valid means of consolence.

Maybe it's me... I have my days where I can be a little more quiet and subdued, and maybe even a bit awkward. Who doesn't? But I generally go out of my way to speak with her, or I'll text her, or message her somehow, or tell her how awesome she is and how much she means to me. No word of it is a lie. Maybe she was just never really into me in the first place. But then why would she say she was? Why would all her friends be so excited about telling me something she said about me, or telling me that they can't tell me something she said about me? Casper is an Ice Queen! And I'm obviously missing something here. I hate this feeling that I'm in a relationship (no, not a dating one) where I'm doing all the liking and she is just taking it in. I'm so vulnerable to her, and if she was that kind of person, she could tear me down to nothing. (8)I worry, I throw my fear around. But baby, you've got my only heart(8). Anyways, I've said enough for my first entry. I don't know how this site works, or if people comment it or whatever.

Anyways, I'm out. Peace and God Bless.

TSharr